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An Unexpected Lifetime

TW: discussions of past suicidal ideations

I have come to the realisation lately that I have a whole lifetime stretched ahead of me.

I spent most of my adolescent years solidly convinced I wasn't going to hit the age of 21. I was sure that by then, my depression would have overwhelmed me to the point that I would choose to end my life. Suicide wasn't a possibility - it was a certainty, a depressing but inevitable exit to the tunnel that was my life.

I am 21 now, only a couple of months shy of 22, and I'm still alive. This is something that would have been a great shock to my younger self, and if you'd told me a few years ago that not only would I survive to the age of 21 but I would actually start to recover and feel hopeful again, I would have nodded and smiled and in my head absolutely refused to believe you.

I know people say life is short, but when you're convinced you have much less of it than other people and then it suddenly turns out you have decades longer to live than you thought you did, it seems like an eternity. What will I do with all this time? All this possibility? I didn't set myself up for a future when I was younger because I didn't see the point - anything I did I did half-heartedly because what would it matter, in the end? Now I don't want to die and I have years to live that I haven't prepared for.

It's okay though, I'll figure it out. After all, I have plenty of time.

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